Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs
and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you;
silks get the quickest
reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or
during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get
to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental
rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be
sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to
the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged
in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
"helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are
the rules for "helping":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen
and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can
lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so
as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze,
but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try
to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and
needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas
cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim ~ to help! First, sit on the paper being
worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds
nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After
being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back
of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart
quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to
1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and
3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book
end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer
numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.
1) Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help.
2) Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy
less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer.
For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and
sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3) Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching
over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and
4) Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline
instinct to chase mice.
5) Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to
sharpen your nails.
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